hmpbiu4d – EDSA PBI UAD

Bubbly

By Thorny Petals

Autumn, 2020.

That was the first time I met her. She approached me with a bubbly smile painted on her face. Back then, I was too afraid to open up with people, especially during the autumn. It is my favorite season, and I don’t want to hate it. But later on, she plucked every thorn in my heart and gently touched it with her dainty hands. I didn’t have any other choice than to let her enter the space inside me after she knocked on it carefully.

I never expected that it would be the most precious encounter that I had with someone, considering how I almost gave up and locked the space inside me, not letting anyone, not even myself, enter. She taught me how to love and how it felt to be loved. She was everything to me.

I remember how she grabbed my hands, taking me to watch the meteor shower on a cold night. The night breeze pierced through my bones, but she immediately pulled me into the warmest hug. Dare to say, that was a hug that could defrost an icy mountain. If only there was a way to capture a hug, I would like to make it last forever. That was my first time, hoping that I could stop the time and make the moment last longer than I needed.

She was bubbly. She was the sunshine. And I was the sunflower who kept looking at her, following every movement that she made. She guided me, holding both my hands and embracing my soul. She never missed a day, singing me a lullaby that could put me into the deepest, most peaceful sleep ever.

Days passed, weeks passed, and months passed. Today is spring 2024. All these years that I spent with her, I thought that she would always be bubbly. Unfortunately, my wild guess hit the rock bottom. It was wrong. I was wrong.

I noticed that she changed, but I decided to ignore it. My bad. That was the worst mistake that I’ve ever made in my life. I thought she was just tired. I thought she just needed a tiny space for herself, just like she usually did. My wild guess wasn’t wrong this time, but I never thought that this time she wanted to walk out of my life.

It was almost 6 a.m., and she touched my hands. Her touches were cold. Weird. It’s supposed to be warm, isn’t it? But again, I decided to ignore it. I pretended that it was nothing. It was just a winter breeze that sneakily popped up in the middle of springtime.

“Let’s just end it here.”

That was the least I wanted to hear from her this morning. I tried not to be surprised, acting like a fool even though I was almost unable to breathe. My heart skipped some beats. I tried to find a little glimpse of funny jokes through her eyes, but I couldn’t find them. She meant it.

“Why?” My voice cracked as I felt tears stream down my face without invitation, still hoping that she was joking, yet she looked away, hiding her tears from my sight.

And a second later, I heard it from her side. My wild guess was right, and I regretted why I kept ignoring my guts to ask her earlier than today. She was tired. She had enough of me. She had enough of us. She said she couldn’t afford a relationship that I needed. She lost herself in the middle of the road.

Without asking a single question, I knew it was all because of me. I was the mere reason why she felt this way. I was the one who made her lose her lights. I was the one who pulled her away from the universe where she was supposed to feel safe. I was the only reason.

I spoke no words after she finished talking, and she let go of my hands. For the last time, she caressed my hair softly and whispered an apology. An unnecessary apology, because I should be the one who needed to apologize for ruining her perfect world. It was me who couldn’t afford a relationship that she needed.

Spring, 2024.

She was bubbly, and I was the one who popped the bubble away.